Lost memory

I had my kelisa ride just now (first time in the evening!! until my dad asked me to switch on the car light =.=), and I told myself this shall be the tranquiliser of mine during this holiday, how pathetic. =.= According to my dad, only 20% of car buyers who get their cars from my dad wanted a manual car. I can understand, because you can learn auto car in um, 1 minute, or less.

Another statistic my dad heard from a bank officer: 30% of people under 30 is facing bankruptcy in Malaysia. So due to the recession, it is VERY hard to get loan from bank right now. (sounds out of my business, well it just popped out of my mind and my fingers got the message =.=)

It is kinda hard to set myself to sopor lately. I am happy with nothing to laugh at, and i am sad with nothing to cry for. There seemed to be no worry whatsoever, but i am agitated for stuffs that i assumed, are invisible threats.

Anyone can fall into a deep ravine during a down, grey-cloaked, charcoal black moment. I think i almost did. I surprisingly thanked God for taking away all my happy (should-be) memory when i was still innocent, underdeveloped, and undirected, making me never able to retrieve any of my childhood, not even a shot of myself in the nursery, kindergarten or primary school, what is left only ONE piece, which I were standing on a baby bike, followed by a fall that let me tasted dizziness for the first time in my life, which is also fading away, leaving me with nothing, only nothing. But why can't i have my few years ago scenes erased too, i asked. Maybe i'd ask genie from the magic lamp to give me back my 0-11 year old memory and take away my 13-16's.

Maybe (I said Maybe.) because of this - owning a hole that should be filled with kids' laughter, senseless when my sister is telling about what we had done when we were still shorter than 4 feet- i never would agree i'd written a good essay. Because to me, there is a serious lack of something, something like trueness, creativity, and insight. My friend can imagine a situation out of nothing (ex nihilo? =.=), while whatever i thought of to be written for a narrative will definitely fail. (and i know why i got worst results for both BM and English essays in primary 4-5-6, same until now =.=)

I don't know if i am the one who is typing, but at least by figuring out something out of myself soothes me in some ways.

My at-home routine is worse than mundane. Cleaned almost everything I can and end my day with silly jokes in my mom's room, I set a belief that by making my mom to laugh her head off she will sleep more soundly. =.=

This is not good, i'm still digging moments of silence out of this silent night. =|
I promised myself to learn the way to keep promise, and i promise to keep this promise.